The Hole Digger's Hard Hat

The Hole Digger strikes again.  Yes my friends, that is a Sombrero with the top cut out of it taped onto a hard hat for additional shading.  I will admit, I'm a teensy bit jealous.  Why didn't I think of that?!

A few of you were quite fascinated by the Hole Digging.  It fascinates me too.  Minus the fact that you would have to be concerned with the condition of your belongings and, that you'd need to keep meticulous notes on what rail line is your rail line.  What I think about most is, what I would think if I happened upon an individual with a knife digging a hole.

Totally bizarre.  Totally genius.  You choose.

M.L.I.S.W :: The Hole Digger

Sometimes I share conversations that I've had / overheard on the ship.  Let me tell you....sometimes they're bizarro!  They always make me think of this snotty little phrase teenage me used to love, 'oh-my-gawd.  my life is so weird'.  Here's the latest My Life Is So Weird Moment... On the Bridge.  Routine watch with idle chit chat.

Me:  I've never gotten to the point where I can travel with just a carry on.

Shipmate:  Travelling with no luggage is truly the way to go.

AB:  I never travel with luggage.  I just find places to bury my stuff.

Me:  What do you mean?

AB:  Whatever I don't need to travel with I double bag in garbage bags and bury it.

Me:  Bury it how?

AB:  I just find a place to dig a hole.  I've found that the best place to dig holes is near railroads or in church yards....there are fewer people watching....

Me:  Are you kidding me right now?!

AB:  No.

Me:  What do you dig your hole with?  I mean, do you splurge on a shovel?

AB:  Nah, I've found that digging holes with a sharp knife is actually a lot easier.

Me:  Oh my god.  That's bizzare.

AB:  -blank stare-

Me:  Do you have a lot of things buried?!

AB:  Yah, I got stashes everywhere...I keep a notebook with all the places written down.

Me:  Wow.

AB:  That's why I like shipping out of Jacksonville instead of Houston.  Houston has too much concrete and Jacksonville has sand.

AB wanders out onto the bridge wing.

I look at my Shipmate...

Me:  Did we really just hear that right?

Shipmate:  I think so...

Vocabulary:  AB - Able Bodied Seaman - they are my watchstanders.

You can read more moments of weirdness here.

M.L.I.S.W. :: Queen of Overshare

I'm the Queen of Overshare.  Seriously. This isn't a 'traditional' My Life Is So Weird moment.  Nope, this is one where I basically tell you about how I overshared at the dinner table.  Also, there is swearing.

Sitting around the table in our last East Coast port.  I'm wolfing down dinner before I have to run back out on deck.  I'm eating with the Chief Engineer and the First Assistant Engineer.

ME:  You guys...I'm soooo tired.

THEM:  Yeah Mate, don't worry we'll be out to sea soon...

ME:  You guys....I'm sooo tried that I'm disgustingly filthy...

THEM:  *blank stares*

ME:  Whenever I get back to my cabin I just don't feel like taking a shower...I'm just too tired to wash my hair.

THEM:  *blank stares*

ME:  Now my sheets are dirty.  They're my favorite sheets too.

THEM:  *blank stares*

ME:  I went to bed with a chocolate chip cookie last night.  I must have rolled over a chocolate chip by accident because now it looks like I shit my bed.

FIRST:  That's my kinda GIRL!

ME:  Now I'm just paranoid that the Coast Guard is going to board the vessel and inspect rooms...and they'll think I shit my bed...

Currently, I'm being teased non stop about chocolate chip cookies.  The Captain finally piped up and was wondering what the jokes were all about...the Chief Engineer kindly filled him in...

CAPTAIN:  I don't get the jokes...

CHIEF:  The Mate had a cookie incident.

ME:  I rolled over a chocolate chip in bed and now it looks like I shit myself.

CAPTAIN:  Aaaah...just a little morsel schmear...

ALL:  *Hysterical Laughter*

New to Nautiemermate?  That's cool.  My Life Is So Weird moments are those moments that you couldn't make up if you tried.....you can read more of them here.

M.L.I.S.W. :: When you're sliding into home....

and your pants are full of foam..... (Warning:  This post will be gross....)

DIARRHEA!  DIARRHEA!  

Upon departure from Damietta, Egypt quite a few crew members had a case of the Green Apple Splatters.

Everyone knows that the squirts aren't fun....now try to imagine how absolutely god awful the squirts are on a ship.

I mean really, being sick is never, ever fun.  Especially when you lack the creature comforts that home provides.  Two ply toilet paper is a prime example.  Trust me when I tell you that one ply starts feeling like 30 grit sandpaper in no time!

A diarrhea outbreak on a ship provides many, many my life is so weird moments.  (Like when a 57 year old AB gives me a full dissertation on his bowel movements for the last 24 hours.)  But of course, my favorite my life is so weird moments almost always occur on the bridge during watch.  Because seriously, there is never a better time to have the weirdest conversations!

ME:  Awww man....I think the bug finally caught up with me!  My stomach is in KNOTS!

AB:  Have you barfed out your butt yet?

ME:  Noooo....

AB:  Nope.  You don't have it.

M.L.I.S.W :: Violent Tendencies

While on watch this afternoon I got to talking with my watchstander about another ship....which lead to talking about how awful this ships Captain was... AB:  I don't have too many violent tendencies anymore...but, if I did....this is the kind of guy that I would attack immediately upon seeing.

ME:  -blank stare-

AB:  There are probably about three people I'd attack immediately.  One of them beat up my best friend who is a chick.  If I ever see that guy again I'll for sure kill him.

ME:  -blank stare continues-

AB:  Actually, if I saw this Captain, I'd probably just slap him really hard across his face...

ME:  Silently thinking, 'note to self:  this guy has violent tendencies' and wondering, 'does that mean he's psycho?'...

If you're new to Nautie Mermate and are wondering what the heck M.L.I.S.W stands for read the original M.L.I.S.W moment here.  If you'd like to read other M.L.I.S.W moments check here.  

M.L.I.S.W :: She'll Wait For Ya

I may get in trouble for writing this one....but seriously folks, it was too weird not to post!  I often joke about how my life is so weird but, this conversation might take the cake.   I wasn't actually present for this conversation (seriously, I almost wish I was) - it involved Travel Buddy (TB) and AB.  (Actually, you are well acquainted with AB - he was AB1 here, and AB2 here and here - he's even had a few posts that feature just him - like right here.)

As with most M.L.I.S.W conversations this one is crass, politically incorrect and potentially offensive....just sayin'.

It went something like this.....

AB:  Travel Buddy, you ain't got no pussy this trip!

TB:  What?

AB:  You ain't got yourself no pussy this trip!

TB:  What do you mean?

AB:  You ain't been to see no whores?!

TB:  No....

AB:  Well, I guess you got the second mate all the time.....

TB:  What?  What do you mean?

AB:  Well, you're always going ashore with the second mate.

TB:  Ummmm...

AB:  I'm sure Meg would wait for you.

TB:  What?

AB:  If you wanted to go to the whore house while you were ashore....I'm sure Meg would wait outside....

(That is where the conversation as I know it ended....honestly, I have no idea how TB responded to THAT!  Ha.)

I have no idea what to think about this!  I'm not sure if it is a testament to my coolness - I mean, I'm almost flattered that my shipmates think I'll wait at whorehouses while they get laid - or if it a testament to the fact that I need to foster more ladylike behaviour.  (I think the fact that I can't decide what to think....and that I'm willing to entertain the notion that it makes me a great shipmate means I'm completely institutionalized and will never be able to gracefully return to polite society.)

(For any new readers....'My Life Is So Weird' is a phrase I coined when I was about fourteen and I was walking through life in a state of permanent mortification....I use the acronym 'M.L.I.S.W' to share bizarre and often times crass annecdotes from sea....hope you're not too offended!)